Musings

Thoughts of love and romance...

I sit here in the dark and think of her. Remembering her smell, how she shone in the sun. Hearing her voice, floating on the wind. Wondering how she would feel in my arms.

At the bar, she sat near me, telling me of family and relationships. Drinking a cold beer she'd ordered by mistake after the bartender misunderstood her accent. Talking, unaware of her affect on things around her. Guys watched her, I watched her. Women looked on in envy as she gathered the attention in the room, oblivious of anything but my presence.

We talked of old relationships, some that ended badly, others that were still going on. She told me of dreams, plans, ideas. Someone she loved was far away and she didn't know if it would work out, but it was still worth it. Love always is, isn't it?

My protestations fell on deaf ears. Why throw yourself at something, when you yourself say if it ends, it ends? Why waste the now, being comfortable, when what you're thinking of is the past and the future, but not this moment, this time, this second.

Sometimes I wonder if I make any sense. Love is a cursed thing in my experience. Don't love enough, things get muddled and end. Throw yourself at someone, trying to make sure every moment, every second counts, and it ends in tears and tragedy. Hold back, let reality wash away the blurred lines of romance and serene acceptance, and love founders. Dreaming of the past, wishing for the future, trying to hold on to the present with both hands curled into fists.

Springsteen... I'm On Fire .... plays as he types.

How can you love someone, marry them, then watch as your ideas and thoughts wash away to nothingness, leaving you grasping at straws that may as well have been the pick-up sticks thrown by an ignorant child? Why torment yourself with thoughts about someone who really cares very little for you?

Friends... such an encompassing term... Friends can be acquaintances, those who judge you by the language you speak, those who include you when there's something they want to share with you but will disappear when you want to tell them something... People who come into your life for a year, a month, a day and then walk away into time like wisps of ether in a morning mist, leaving only the impression that they were there. Leaving only a 'what happened' and the faint half-smile as you remember a morning conversation, a late night jam session, a walk on a beach or a fuck in a field... People are ghosts; they're here for a while to keep you company as you drift through life, only to vanish when you shine a spotlight on them...

I think of this, and I think of her... She'll go away too... why care... return to the shell and withdraw... sometimes it's safer to not love, to not feel... confusion reigns, desire strives, fear and love co-mingle... what is left, but the rocks and jagged shore...

Let her go...she'll live, happy and unaware... loving and caring for whom she will... retreat into the darkness...

There's a monster under my bed... whispering in my ear... there's an angel with her hand on my head... she says I got nothing to fear... There's a darkness living deep in my soul... still got a purpose to serve... So let your light shine.. deep into my hole... Santana